IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”