Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
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Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.