Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.