Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

Suuuuure

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

Good dog. ❤️

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.