idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
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Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My circle of trust is a meatball
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Yup.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.