Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit