Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

[Inventing Canadians]

Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!

God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic