Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
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If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.