Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says