Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
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“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
this chia pet tastes awful
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
when unicorns get really drunk
This is my cat’s medicine.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I would move hell over six inches for you
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
this is what they would have looked like, though
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption