Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
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A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
based al yankovic
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
