idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Perfection.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
