Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
You Might Also Like
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Good advice.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Europe. Made in Germany.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
#dnd #ttrpg
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!