Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
You Might Also Like
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
What legos do when we’re not looking.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
No flush
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?