idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
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Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
what kind of cook setting is this??
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.