Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.