Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

Asking me “what are you wearing” at night will never work out the way you want it to unless you’ve been aching to hear the words “Def Leppard pajamas”.

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.