idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
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Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos