Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
You Might Also Like
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I know this now 😂
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?