Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂