IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
You Might Also Like
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.