Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
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Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
describing stardew valley
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
True
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!