Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
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“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.