Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
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if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”