Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
live, laugh, laundry.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Something Saturday.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.