Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
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HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
Lassie, get help!
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Breaking news:
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*