Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
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Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.