IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
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You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Breaking news:
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
