Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

who’s gonna tell her?

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget