IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
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sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.