Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.