Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

Headlines With Threatening Auras.