[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
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Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Finally!
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?