Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

X-tra spooky blend

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!