Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot