IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

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I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.


We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.


What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?


My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.


The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone


I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon


COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*


Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now


Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?


“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.