@MamaHuntsBest

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

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@jellybnbonanza

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

@WilliamAder

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

@KatieMoNYC

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

@PinkCamoTO

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

@SaraThomas84

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

@MandiAtRandom

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

@belleykell

Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

@bazecraze

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.