IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
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If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*