Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!