Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

#Caturday

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth