Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
