馃幎馃幎馃幍馃幍
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they鈥檙e only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
You Might Also Like
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
detective: where鈥檚 that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
sergio leone: i鈥檓 going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what鈥檚 it called?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don鈥檛 read it fast enough