Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
