Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
You Might Also Like
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
🤷♀️
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
as is their right
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.