idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
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I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?