idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
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Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.