Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”