idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
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When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS