idk flipping houses looks really hard
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My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Ok but actually
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
turning my gender off to conserve energy
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.