idk flipping houses looks really hard
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*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I need to update my racial profile.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?