idk flipping houses looks really hard
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wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
<- sleeps well with others
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.