Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

I am absolutely never leaving this website

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.