Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
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my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
dude it’s called proctologist
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
And that about sums it up.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
middle school in the ’90s
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.