Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
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Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
how long have you had this for?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.