Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
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Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
