Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more