Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

Yup….perfect score!

So sorry

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

This might be the funniest tweet ever

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

Care for your back