Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
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Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
my first dose meeting my second
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”