IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
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Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Why is everyone getting married at me
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey