idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
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Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.