Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.