Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

old twitter is back baby

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1