idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
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*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
Mad Max: Furry Road
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Finally!
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.