idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
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Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
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oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
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Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.