idk what he going thru but i feel him
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When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Good lord
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow