idk what this dog had been going through but same
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Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
“fuck you and the horse you rode in on” is a top tier saying like idk what the horse did but fuck them too for bringing ur ass here
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.