Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.