Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]