Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
You Might Also Like
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Introverted vegans go meetless
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
He instantly became one of the bros
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches