Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around