Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
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My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
We could have had frying pans with radios connected to them.
But, no, instead we have all this!
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.