Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
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My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.