Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work