Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
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My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.